We like to poke fun at White Claw at the FYMD global network for a few reasons, some of them even legitimate, but mostly because Mark Anthony Brands (owners of The Claw) decided to go with our competition in the global marketing communications consulting business, United Resources: Advertising Division, Secret Underground Creative Society. Long name but they are the biggest in the business for a reason…and that reason is unclear, for lots of reasons.

It’s true, URADSUCS has many more years of experience, a larger global footprint and staff of suits that can suck the chrome off of a bumper hitch. I mean, FYMD pitched this monkeypox virus of a beverage with cans of Miller Lite in our hands cause that’s how we roll in the FYMD Milwaukee offices - gotta problem with that? Can I get an Amen, Giannis!

Anywho. This masterpiece of canned alcoholic beverage advertising makes more sense now that you know who’s consulting for NuevoZima.

The Seltzer Business:

The Hard Seltzer juggernaut is the rebranded marketing phoenix that rose from the ashes of the refreshing malt liquor catastrophe of previous generations…might be the greatest thing ever written by the FYMD Milwaukee office. Fuck ‘em Bucky!

Also true AF.

The seltzer business is killing it so much so that the biggest players in the industry are willing to castrate their hero brands to add “seltzer” to their name…because seltzer is a near perfect product that appeals to both genders equally, is low in sugar and carbs, and is distilled from the tears of angels. Nevertheless, the FYMD Branding Futures team respects the “product innovation” and “explosive flavorishousness” that Mark Anthony Brands is selling to you and me, but mostly you.

Table Stakes:

Melody, the head brewer at the FYMD Milwaukee office wears a hat that says “Beer is proof that God loves us” And no matter what your affiliation or religiosity, that’s an actual fake quote attributed to real historical American, Benjamin Franklin. And the fact that it’s bullshit doesn’t matter - Melody wears it because it sounds like it could be true and beer is an unbelievably delicious natural product that has existed for millennia, providing nutrition and alcohol to the masses. Amen.

Beer has also become, through years of endless marketing, segmentation and messaging a lifestyle product that people believe says something about them as a person. But Hard Seltzer is an actual lifestyle. It’s a YouTube sensation. It’s influencer fodder. It’s shopping for joggers with your bros while posting stories on Insta.

It doesn’t just say something about you…it is you.

Competitive Insight:

In 2018 there were 10 Hard Seltzer brands in the marketplace - and today, there are nearly 70..Now, it doesn’t take a suite of consultants to advise brands to go where the cash is…but, is the pie getting bigger or are HS brands stealing share from other Alcohol categories? Actually, it looks like a bit of both, but The Claw definitely owns the hard seltzer space with around a 50% share of sales (Thanks TopTotal Research).

However, the emergence of new brands with huge corporate overlords brings lots of new messaging, flavors and cash into the marketplace and this allows them to take risks to steal share and grow — So, how long can The Claw rule the roost? FYMD has noticed over the last 18-24 months their marketing and messaging has definitely moved into defense territory, with changing taglines, creative looks and general brand manger advertising fuckery.

Creative Appreciation:

The FYMD research department has assured us that famous Canadian winemaker and author, Wayne Gretzky once said something like, “I don’t skate to where the puck is, I skate to where its going to be” … and ever since then, Wayne’s legend has been co-opted by TechBros and VCs as a virtue signal metaphor of how ahead of the game their business is.

In the FYMD Creative Excellence Lab and Bounce House, we play ‘bro trope’ bingo with just such platitudes because it's fun, and we drink a lot. We bring this up because someone (cough…planner) probably saw Wayne’s quote somewhere on someone’s Insta and said to themselves, “well, that’s a better brief than I could probably write anyway” and there you have it - creative excellence.

Needless to say there is a just a touch more here:

Black and white dramatic filming, Tropical beach location, Rapid weather change, Rising music, Weather becoming more extreme, People running for safety. Wind blowing harder. Rain Coming Down, People screaming, Umbrellas flying, Ocean getting violent.

It’s the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami where (per the WHO) nearly a quarter of a million people died on Boxing Day (that’s December 26 to those of you not of the Commonwealth)

Oh, wait, no its not..there’s a huge surfer bro riding a skateboard while carrying his surfboard. Then there’s a hot girl. Then the surfer bro zips his wetsuit, rushes the beach and heads straight to…where the puck is going to be….

Also “Bring the wave” has so much planning fuckwitery baked inside its absolute meaninglessness that we just have to bask in its glory.

What The FYMD Staff Has To Say:

We love your tone deaf advertising shitshow just as much as we love Jamie from Progressive, but sometimes in order to make our outrageous consulting fees we have to go back to basics.

The FYMD Consulting Group would like to talk about what makes a good agency account person, now we didn’t say successful, we mean good. Successful account people are everywhere because the bar is just so low….whomever sold the White Claw Brand Director on the above nonsense was successful, and the FYMD Suit Tracker will probably pick this up on her next move up the agency ladder.

However, the truly good account person would:

1: Have noticed there’s a lot of similarity between an actual tsunami and the ad

2: Know that lots of people die in tsunamis and they are incredibly tragic

3: Be able to prove that surfer bros do not change the effects of tsunamis

4: Deftly maneuver as far as possible away from “bring the wave” and let the client know they were ‘quietly’ replacing the planner with a more senior one from a better part of England.

5: Convince the client to put this whole shitshow back into creative development after getting the correct “network resources” by adding a more senior creative team, a data scientist and social content expert to the retainer.

6: Collect bonus.

“Hard Seltzer is proof that God loves us” - said no one ever.