Uber + Gwyneth = Fire your marketing department

The FYMD Marketing Sciences team are big fans of Gwyneth - and making fun of her is low hanging fruit, so there will be no discussion of vagina eggs or orgasm cream or whatever other crap she is selling you and me, but mostly you.

We also think she’s smart and talented, there’s the whole acting thing, being spawned by successful rich white parents and she’s created a gigantic audience of acolytes with a retail empire that sells vagina eggs - from experience the FYMD team can tell you this is easier said than done (and the returns are tricky).

But, this hot mess of an ad where the agency (and a truck filled with cash) has convinced Gwyneth to act like an idiot as to convince normal people to get their orgasm cream delivered by Uber is long way from clever.

The FYMD CFO would like to note that she would be happy to use Uber to deliver our truck filled with cash for this analysis.

The SuperApp Business:

In a bout of recent sobriety, we recalled a meeting at the FYMD Canary Wharf Loft way back in 2006 when our CEO, then just a lowly consultant, gave a presentation on the “future of business.” We all could feel the winds of change as he regaled us using that sparkling, Etonian accent of his, but it was two prescient words that blew our minds: Super App. 

That is how fucking smart our CEO is - 2006 is pre-iPhone, pre-App Store and pre-White Claw - no one in the room even knew WTF an app was, and being English using the word ‘super’ was as unusual as a public display of his father’s approval. Also the world had just collectively gotten over Zima.  

Now that it’s 2022, we all know what apps are and unfortunately most of us know what White Claw is - There are now millions of niche apps, like our fave, Scruff, but there are also a few apps out there are competing to be the single app you use the most - the one app you tap when you go somewhere or to buy something or whatever. And the corporate overlords (JK- Call us!) at Uber know that vaginal egg delivery is the next unlock in creating the ultimate transportation super app!

Table Stakes:

It’s like that old joke, what did one VC say to the other VC when they were about to climax? I’m gonna scale 100x!!!

Ok, so maybe that’s not an old joke, or even a joke at all and maybe the FYMD HR department sent a memo around about making jokes and their consequences.

We kid…FYMD has no HR department, we’ve done the analysis and there’s actually no upside to anything HR has to say. Really.

Anywho…Scale. scale. scale. Did we mention scale? Those are the stakes, creating enough scale through deeper engagement which is increased by….offering shit for really cheap.

The oldest trick in the book is what drives today’s tech economy - no really. But you  ask, “what about algorithms and AI and puffy vest wearing tech bros?”  Well, at the end of the day there has to be a financial transaction, and the best way to get people to switch how they normally do that is to offer them a deal..ergo, becoming ‘super’ requires lots of free White Claw.

The smart minds at McKinsey & Co, says the global delivery business is around $150Bn in 2021 and in mature markets growth is 4-7x 2018 numbers - which means either people are embarrassed buying White Claw at Tesco or it just tastes that much sweeter if you don’t have to get off the couch. Either way there is a fuckton of delivery action happening…but it’s not all sunshine and lollipops.

Competitive Insight:

Our friends from McKinsey also sum up the category nicely, “The pressure is on for the platforms. Despite explosive growth, they are struggling to make a profit. And, as the Wall Street Journal has reported, these companies aren’t expected to become profitable for a number of years.” Right.

So what does this mean…the FYMD commerce team had a few thoughts: 

1: Individual platform innovation in customer acquisition will just be copied across the category, meaning the proposition becomes the same for all the players. 

2: Does exclusive content (restaurants/shops) deliver any loyalty engagement on the platform. 

3: Whoever cracks the serious logistics issues that brings costs down fukin’ wins. 

So does it matter who you get your delivery from…eh, not really. Will you change who you get your delivery from if one platform is always cheaper and faster…fuck yeah…cough, Amazon Prime, cough…

There can be only one, MacLeod!

Creative Appreciation:

So, let’s get to this spot…It’s Gwyneth being Gwyneth…she’s relatable…she’s of the people…she’s makes the GDP of Martinique selling vagina eggs.

In general, acting like an idiot, more often than not, isn’t really acting. And we know from actually being an idiot and trying not to act like one. And making a joke about eating a paper towel or asking if that’s how cleanses works isn’t much different than say…injecting bleach.

The FYMD Creative Excellence team took a really long time here, we tried sock puppet reenactments, survey monkeys, and blindfolded intern beer pong, but each time we came to the same insight: vagina eggs. 

Net-net all we want to know was if Gwyneth’s salary was commissionable or not, because if it was, then…you know, it’s a pretty good ad.

But, if we had to blame anyone, it’s probably the planner’s fault.

What The FYMD Staff Has To Say:

The business of delivery is a tough one and just because Amazon spent billions of dollars creating the infrastructure to get your Iron Man 3 collectible DVD set with anatomically correct action figure to your door in a day or less doesn’t mean that you can expect that level of service for your takeaway curry. 

None of these companies are making any money, they are charging exorbitant rents to the mostly small businesses who rely on their platforms and it still involves some dude in a Honda Civic finding a spot, picking up food, driving in traffic, finding a spot and hopefully not getting lost on the way to your door. This is complicated logistical shit and the FYMD Future Business team is pretty certain that steps can’t be eliminated…unless we go full Fifth Element and Asian Noodle Dude parks his floating junk boat right outside your window for window ramen. Though dude still has to deal with traffic. 

Anywho, whatever agency network stooge that sold this underwhelming, comedy free, global idiocy campaign is probably humming “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled and high-fiving themselves all the way to the bank. 

Another One!