Breaking: Gone Girl Stans Millennials

FYMD hearts brand architectures, brand models, regular models and we also love a branded house, so naturally we’re a fan of Goldman Sachs’ new business unit Marcus who “approaches investing in a smart way.”

We believe Marcus was created for two business reasons and one fake reason:

1: Liberating Millennials from their cash

2: Digital portfolio management is a lot cheaper than actual portfolio management

3: Virtue signaling

Right…so we like Rosamund Pike lots, and she totally owned that movie and we’re not about to throw shade because the FYMD Insurance rider does not cover being “gone girl’d,” and unlike JLO’s betrothed we’re not sober enough to outwit anyone.

We also love metaphors especially when they’re so explicit. Wait, is saying something is a game while you’re playing a game a metaphor or just meta? We’re not sure but the FYMD Future Branding group says incorporating ‘meta’ in conversations ups your net promoter score.  Whatever.

So…Beautiful yet icy and robotic actress, tick. Explicit metaphor designed for social media audience, tick. Product benefit and reasons to believe, tick. Utter nonsense tagline that ignores the English language, tick.

Anywho…we’re not sure this ad could exemplify 2021 any more, so here are some alternative taglines we think the millennials might upvote on reddit now that we’re headed for an economic apocalypse.

Can You Money?

It’s TikTok for Money

Money, Money, Money, Money

Kylie Jenner Instagram Money

We’re Goldman Sachs, Bitch!

Sidenote: What’s with the American accent Ms. Pike?