Breaking: WTF Is An Espresso Chunk?

Sonic is a chain of fast food restaurants that dot the highways and byways of rural and suburban America - theoretically at least as we’ve never actually seen one, but the FYMD QSR Division swears they exist. Also the torrential flood of “new news” product development spams America’s airwaves incessantly spruiking such delicious menu items as the “garlic butter bacon burger” and the “cake batter shake.”

Right. They also have two different creative approaches:

1: A straight benefits driven product announcement/new product launch

2: Creating occasion and driving footfall with offers and relatability

FYMD applauds this because it doesn’t take a team of consultants to tell you that showing a hot off the griddle cheeseburger and glistening fries sells more cheeseburgers and fries, but mostly because their consumer occasion strategy creatively highlights their core target audience whom the FYMD Segmentation Research Team refers to as…charmingly downmarket.

Anywho. Today we’re tackling the “Mocha Crunch Blast” which is a delicious AF coffee and chocolate flavored ice cream treat - again theoretically as we’ve never had one or are able to find a Sonic to procure one - the FYMD Ivory Tower is real tall. And made of ivory. For reals.

So, faceless Sonic employees are making this treat to order and even Ella, FYMD’s head of business development and raging vegan warrior started drooling as the chocolate type product was being poured into the ice cream like substance because it looks fucking amazing.

But then…rando Sonic employee says, “We’re gonna need more espresso chunks”

And that’s where this all goes pear shaped….

Breaking: English Language Deemed Superfluous In Marketing Communications

LensCrafters sells a lot of fucking glasses. They have over 1000 stores across North America and they are just a small part of the global vision services group, Luxottica, of whom the FYMD Consulting Group refers to “vertically integrated AF.”

That’s right. Luxottica basically owns most of the frame design, manufacturing, brands, retail distribution points (including clinical diagnosis) and much of the lens manufacturing/distribution - so even if you didn’t buy your Tom Ford sunnies at Sunglasses Hut, there is still a chance they made the lenses…Because Monopoly.

Frequent readers know we love product benefit ads because they remind people of the good things about your product without all the extra “storytelling”, “emotional brand connection” or other content buzzwords your award winning agency is selling you and me, but most definitely you.

Anywho.This product benefit ad is the copywriter equivalent of stock footage - was there a limit on the amount of complete sentences they could use? Does anything in this ad make you want to use Lenscrafters…Because Marketing.

In sum, you don’t need to be a consultant like us to realize vision services is a very smart business because just about every person on earth has two eyes…however, the LensCrafters marketing department clearly isn’t as sure that every person has a brain.

…Because Words.

Breaking: Gone Girl Stans Millennials

FYMD hearts brand architectures, brand models, regular models and we also love a branded house, so naturally we’re a fan of Goldman Sachs’ new business unit Marcus who “approaches investing in a smart way.”

We believe Marcus was created for two business reasons and one fake reason:

1: Liberating Millennials from their cash

2: Digital portfolio management is a lot cheaper than actual portfolio management

3: Virtue signaling

Right…so we like Rosamund Pike lots, and she totally owned that movie and we’re not about to throw shade because the FYMD Insurance rider does not cover being “gone girl’d,” and unlike JLO’s betrothed we’re not sober enough to outwit anyone.

We also love metaphors especially when they’re so explicit. Wait, is saying something is a game while you’re playing a game a metaphor or just meta? We’re not sure but the FYMD Future Branding group says incorporating ‘meta’ in conversations ups your net promoter score.  Whatever.

So…Beautiful yet icy and robotic actress, tick. Explicit metaphor designed for social media audience, tick. Product benefit and reasons to believe, tick. Utter nonsense tagline that ignores the English language, tick.

Anywho…we’re not sure this ad could exemplify 2021 any more, so here are some alternative taglines we think the millennials might upvote on reddit now that we’re headed for an economic apocalypse.

Can You Money?

It’s TikTok for Money

Money, Money, Money, Money

Kylie Jenner Instagram Money

We’re Goldman Sachs, Bitch!

Sidenote: What’s with the American accent Ms. Pike?

FYMD Music Awards: “Icon” Edition

The FYMD Consulting team doesn’t need to remind you that Imperial Frito-Lay Corporation owns many ‘iconic’ brands and flavors of salty snacks that they are selling actual tons of to you and me, but mostly you.

Right. So, the mid-level powers that be at FLC have launched a new campaign called “Unbox the Icons” where 3 iconic celebrities ‘curate’ a variety pack of their personal favorites plus some social-media fuckery designed for consumer engagement or proving that brand managers actually do something.

Anywho, the ‘icons’ in this promotion include two convicted criminals and the runner up on Dancing with the Stars, season 3.

Call us FLC - we have just one word for you…McConaughey.

But as this is the FYMD Music Awards - let’s talk about Mark Morrison’s “Return of the Mack”…RoTM is the kind of classic 90’s R&B hit that has ascended into the realm of Montell Jordan’s “This is How We Do It” but not to the supreme heights of Sir-Mix-A-Lot’s, “Baby Got Back.”  It has the party feel of Zhane’s “Hey, Mr. DJ” yet lacking the outward sexuality of Bell Biv DeVoe’s “Poison.”

This FYMD Music Award goes to the Music Supervisor who confidently placed RoTM precisely between Tag Team’s, “Whomp, There It Is” and Ginuwine’s “Pony.”

Alright, Alright, Alright….

Note: We did double up our dose of Neuriva (and Adderall) so we could really crack this marketing conundrum. You’re welcome.

Capella University should market smarter…then fire their marketing department

This is a sensitive subject that we are addressing here today because the goal of bettering your life through education is one of the noblest pursuits we undertake as human beings, but the leadership team here at FYMD feels that the For Profit University (FPU) system consists of bottom feeding, greedy fucks who mostly take advantage of a larger cultural system of exclusionary and purposely limited educational opportunities for the vast majority of Americans…or that’s just one martini too many talking…probably both.

The FYMD Rules and Regulations Group has issued a ruling: Any educational institution that suggests “don’t just learn…learn smarter” is literally advertising there is a giant asterisk on their diploma that says “This is for display purposes only”

The For Profit University Business Model

These schools are competing for students who have many issues. From poor high school performance to financial issues to very real social struggles, the majority of their prospective student pool are facing serious uphill climbs to achieve the successes they desire. And while FYMD does not weigh in on socio/cultural issues or place blame we do feel there is something morally complicated about targeting these demographic/sociographic groups with slick, strategic marketing communications - especially when the eventual outcomes are overwhelmingly much less than what is desired by the students themselves.

They also charge more, encourage taking on debt, have opaque reputations and myriads of other red flags but this one sticks out the most: The US Government noted in 2019, the graduation rates of FPUs versus all other universities is less than half (26% vs 63%).

Hardly surprising given their line of business and target audiences. Morally complicated indeed.

Table Stakes:

While there have been some wide swings in enrollment over the last 10 years, currently, the FPUs are around 5% of the overall university enrollment, meaning there are close to 1 million students at FPUs.

The Brookings Institute says that tuition at FPUs costs 4x as much as public universities. Enrolled students take on more debt and default on that debt 4x more often than students at public universities. (Thanks internet and Mrs. Brookings!)

Lastly, the Brookings Institute notes that FPUs spend about $400 per student on advertising, which those of us in the ‘trade’ would call ‘acquisition.’ Now math is definitely not a requirement to work here at FYMD but even Stevie Wonder can see the frothing mouth of the Business Development person at whatever award winning agency they use.

Competitive Insight:

More Brookings madness (FYMD thinks Mrs. Brookings holds these folks in even less regard than we do): FPUs account for 40% of total ad spend while only educating 5% of total students - the vast majority of this being through TV advertising. And over time FPUs outspend public institutions by 20 to 1.

There’s also the Big Kahuna to deal with, the biggest spender of them all…The University of Phoenix…of University of Phoenix stadium in Glendale, Arizona home of the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals.

A For Profit University is the title sponsor for a professional NFL franchise stadium…We’re going to consult with Mayim Bialik because we’re pretty sure the ‘science’ on this one is a bit off. Supplements! Stat!

Creative Appreciation:

OK, now that the research section of this post is over we can talk about the actual ad - because as a piece of communications for a business that has so many negative attributes targeting financially and socially sensitive audiences, it’s not truly terrible… until the last 15 seconds that is.

At FYMD, we are generally fans of using product benefits in our marketing communications and usually respond with fondness to brands who do this well. Putting a total cost and the appearance of flexibility in an advertisement for higher education is pretty ground breaking for the category. So the most tepid golf clap to you, Capella University CMO.

But…if we step back and take a holistic view of said advertisement.

Multicultural. Check. Dude doing yoga. Check. Cute Dog. Check…and then this happens, “at Capella University we thought your education should be smart too.”

Let that marinate for second. We’ll wait…

We don’t like to judge here at FYMD, except in that it’s our job, but not only did someone write this, someone approved it and then someone even let it be in an actual ad. For college.

What The FYMD Staff Has To Say:

After a really good hacky-sack session in the grassy courtyard/taco truck area of the Playa Del Rey  FYMD offices, we came up with two key thoughts (and one general thought) when it comes to the selling of overpriced and limited value higher education products: Innovation communications can help the category and honesty really is the best policy when it comes to targeting sensitive audiences.

Education is definitely stuck in the past and the policies of exclusion and elitism tend to create a more real than not separation by class, wealth, race, and more (Hat tip: The Dog) so innovation is definitely an unlock and potentially a way to right the (more than one) wrong that the FPU category lives in. Think Different my FPU marketing brothers and sisters.

Truth in advertising couldn’t be more needed in a category and it should be tightly regulated just like pharma. Instead of a ‘may cause intense pain and bleeding’ side effects and ‘contact your physician’ warnings, FPU advertising needs to show graduation rates/trends over time, average debt load and desired job placements, for example.

Finally, FYMD suggests that the Capella University business school should teach a class on marketing communications using their own communications as a case study and require their agency of record to attend.

Bonus points: If there’s a marketing deck for this mess in which the agency planner shows how “learn smarter” is the unlock for this audience/category…definitely send it our way!

FYMD Music Awards: Def Leppard is Dead, Long Live Def Leppard

Pure Leaf Tea is a popular beverage product owned by PepsiCo and their Dutch partners Unilever - As it is completely free of alcohol, the FYMD team has no frame of reference and cannot speak to its usefulness in any regard. Needless to say other people love iced tea and also Ice-T, whose biography, “Cop Killer to Cereal Killer” is a gleeful romp highlighting his time selling records, used car warrantees and Honey-Nut Cheerios.

Anywho, we digress - there’s a lot of talk about beverages at the FYMD network - we’ve over invested our research practice to truly understand drinking at its core. There’s almost an ‘addictive’ impetus in our need to understand drinking habits. Whatever.

And as we’re old AF boomers we also remember things like MTV, Def Leppard and classic 80’s rock anthems that ruled the culture of the time

Right. So via the transitive property if people like ice tea, and people like Def Leppard then people will like ice tea sold to them by Def Leppard. Or something, we’re not good with math, but FYMD consulted Mayim Bialik and she said this is  ‘backed by science,’ so we’re going to take her word for it as we love her supplements.

Per the Googles, Def Leppard is kicking off their summer stadium tour of ‘Merica today (June 16th) in Atlanta…maybe SunTrust Park will graced with “Pour Lower Sugar On Me” as the encore - that gets us just as hot and sticky sweet, but with less sugar and calories, naturally.

Malt Liquor + Surfer Bro = Fire Your Pioneering Marketing Department

We like to poke fun at White Claw at the FYMD global network for a few reasons, some of them even legitimate, but mostly because Mark Anthony Brands (owners of The Claw) decided to go with our competition in the global marketing communications consulting business, United Resources: Advertising Division, Secret Underground Creative Society. Long name but they are the biggest in the business for a reason…and that reason is unclear, for lots of reasons.

It’s true, URADSUCS has many more years of experience, a larger global footprint and staff of suits that can suck the chrome off of a bumper hitch. I mean, FYMD pitched this monkeypox virus of a beverage with cans of Miller Lite in our hands cause that’s how we roll in the FYMD Milwaukee offices - gotta problem with that? Can I get an Amen, Giannis!

Anywho. This masterpiece of canned alcoholic beverage advertising makes more sense now that you know who’s consulting for NuevoZima.

The Seltzer Business:

The Hard Seltzer juggernaut is the rebranded marketing phoenix that rose from the ashes of the refreshing malt liquor catastrophe of previous generations…might be the greatest thing ever written by the FYMD Milwaukee office. Fuck ‘em Bucky!

Also true AF.

The seltzer business is killing it so much so that the biggest players in the industry are willing to castrate their hero brands to add “seltzer” to their name…because seltzer is a near perfect product that appeals to both genders equally, is low in sugar and carbs, and is distilled from the tears of angels. Nevertheless, the FYMD Branding Futures team respects the “product innovation” and “explosive flavorishousness” that Mark Anthony Brands is selling to you and me, but mostly you.

Table Stakes:

Melody, the head brewer at the FYMD Milwaukee office wears a hat that says “Beer is proof that God loves us” And no matter what your affiliation or religiosity, that’s an actual fake quote attributed to real historical American, Benjamin Franklin. And the fact that it’s bullshit doesn’t matter - Melody wears it because it sounds like it could be true and beer is an unbelievably delicious natural product that has existed for millennia, providing nutrition and alcohol to the masses. Amen.

Beer has also become, through years of endless marketing, segmentation and messaging a lifestyle product that people believe says something about them as a person. But Hard Seltzer is an actual lifestyle. It’s a YouTube sensation. It’s influencer fodder. It’s shopping for joggers with your bros while posting stories on Insta.

It doesn’t just say something about you…it is you.

Competitive Insight:

In 2018 there were 10 Hard Seltzer brands in the marketplace - and today, there are nearly 70..Now, it doesn’t take a suite of consultants to advise brands to go where the cash is…but, is the pie getting bigger or are HS brands stealing share from other Alcohol categories? Actually, it looks like a bit of both, but The Claw definitely owns the hard seltzer space with around a 50% share of sales (Thanks TopTotal Research).

However, the emergence of new brands with huge corporate overlords brings lots of new messaging, flavors and cash into the marketplace and this allows them to take risks to steal share and grow — So, how long can The Claw rule the roost? FYMD has noticed over the last 18-24 months their marketing and messaging has definitely moved into defense territory, with changing taglines, creative looks and general brand manger advertising fuckery.

Creative Appreciation:

The FYMD research department has assured us that famous Canadian winemaker and author, Wayne Gretzky once said something like, “I don’t skate to where the puck is, I skate to where its going to be” … and ever since then, Wayne’s legend has been co-opted by TechBros and VCs as a virtue signal metaphor of how ahead of the game their business is.

In the FYMD Creative Excellence Lab and Bounce House, we play ‘bro trope’ bingo with just such platitudes because it's fun, and we drink a lot. We bring this up because someone (cough…planner) probably saw Wayne’s quote somewhere on someone’s Insta and said to themselves, “well, that’s a better brief than I could probably write anyway” and there you have it - creative excellence.

Needless to say there is a just a touch more here:

Black and white dramatic filming, Tropical beach location, Rapid weather change, Rising music, Weather becoming more extreme, People running for safety. Wind blowing harder. Rain Coming Down, People screaming, Umbrellas flying, Ocean getting violent.

It’s the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami where (per the WHO) nearly a quarter of a million people died on Boxing Day (that’s December 26 to those of you not of the Commonwealth)

Oh, wait, no its not..there’s a huge surfer bro riding a skateboard while carrying his surfboard. Then there’s a hot girl. Then the surfer bro zips his wetsuit, rushes the beach and heads straight to…where the puck is going to be….

Also “Bring the wave” has so much planning fuckwitery baked inside its absolute meaninglessness that we just have to bask in its glory.

What The FYMD Staff Has To Say:

We love your tone deaf advertising shitshow just as much as we love Jamie from Progressive, but sometimes in order to make our outrageous consulting fees we have to go back to basics.

The FYMD Consulting Group would like to talk about what makes a good agency account person, now we didn’t say successful, we mean good. Successful account people are everywhere because the bar is just so low….whomever sold the White Claw Brand Director on the above nonsense was successful, and the FYMD Suit Tracker will probably pick this up on her next move up the agency ladder.

However, the truly good account person would:

1: Have noticed there’s a lot of similarity between an actual tsunami and the ad

2: Know that lots of people die in tsunamis and they are incredibly tragic

3: Be able to prove that surfer bros do not change the effects of tsunamis

4: Deftly maneuver as far as possible away from “bring the wave” and let the client know they were ‘quietly’ replacing the planner with a more senior one from a better part of England.

5: Convince the client to put this whole shitshow back into creative development after getting the correct “network resources” by adding a more senior creative team, a data scientist and social content expert to the retainer.

6: Collect bonus.

“Hard Seltzer is proof that God loves us” - said no one ever.

FYMD Music Awards: Excellence in Literal Usage

Phil Collins LVO is a goddamn legend and master of the closeup headshot album cover. His successful career in music spans decades and he’s a member of the Royal Victorian Order (only a lieutenant, but cross fingers for full knighthood soon - I mean he is Emily in Paris’ dad!). He also wrote and played maybe one of the most important drum breaks since Clyde Stubblefield laid down ‘Funky Drummer’ for the GFOS in 1970.

So…as far as the FYMD Music Division (and general principles) is concerned there are only two acceptable uses of “In The Air Tonight” in a marketing context:

1: Michael Mann filming Crockett and Tubbs speeding around Miami in a faux Ferrari Daytona circa 1985

2: Cadbury Chocolate Gorilla ad from 2007 (www.youtube.com/watch?v=La7B8mBnTXs)

That’s it. Full stop.

Now a quick search of the Googles shows that Phil sold at least half of the rights to his publishing a ways back to a big conglomerate which markets and licenses music against the upfront payment Philly-Phil got…Meaning ’the man’ owns the rights , which means ‘the man’ sold this to some agency, which then sold this to their LG clients. Whatever.

Anywho, The FYMD Creative Excellence Team went with the darkhorse nominee and awarded the ELU to the The Planner…who most likely pointed out that:

1: This is literally devoid of creativity

2: Maybe combining your TikTok feed and alcohol does not quality as ‘creative development’

3. The LG CordZero is NOT one of the only 2 acceptable uses for ‘In The Air Tonight” in marketing

…but nicely, in a polished British accent.

So cheerio to you Nigel or Iain or Sherlock, you get to say ‘told ya’ to the creative team because you were right…but FYMD wouldn’t recommend that ‘cause everyone hates a smug planner.

…Now if they figured out how to use “Sussudio” for a vacuum ad, it’s a whole other ballgame…(see DampRid)

Uber + Gwyneth = Fire your marketing department

The FYMD Marketing Sciences team are big fans of Gwyneth - and making fun of her is low hanging fruit, so there will be no discussion of vagina eggs or orgasm cream or whatever other crap she is selling you and me, but mostly you.

We also think she’s smart and talented, there’s the whole acting thing, being spawned by successful rich white parents and she’s created a gigantic audience of acolytes with a retail empire that sells vagina eggs - from experience the FYMD team can tell you this is easier said than done (and the returns are tricky).

But, this hot mess of an ad where the agency (and a truck filled with cash) has convinced Gwyneth to act like an idiot as to convince normal people to get their orgasm cream delivered by Uber is long way from clever.

The FYMD CFO would like to note that she would be happy to use Uber to deliver our truck filled with cash for this analysis.

The SuperApp Business:

In a bout of recent sobriety, we recalled a meeting at the FYMD Canary Wharf Loft way back in 2006 when our CEO, then just a lowly consultant, gave a presentation on the “future of business.” We all could feel the winds of change as he regaled us using that sparkling, Etonian accent of his, but it was two prescient words that blew our minds: Super App. 

That is how fucking smart our CEO is - 2006 is pre-iPhone, pre-App Store and pre-White Claw - no one in the room even knew WTF an app was, and being English using the word ‘super’ was as unusual as a public display of his father’s approval. Also the world had just collectively gotten over Zima.  

Now that it’s 2022, we all know what apps are and unfortunately most of us know what White Claw is - There are now millions of niche apps, like our fave, Scruff, but there are also a few apps out there are competing to be the single app you use the most - the one app you tap when you go somewhere or to buy something or whatever. And the corporate overlords (JK- Call us!) at Uber know that vaginal egg delivery is the next unlock in creating the ultimate transportation super app!

Table Stakes:

It’s like that old joke, what did one VC say to the other VC when they were about to climax? I’m gonna scale 100x!!!

Ok, so maybe that’s not an old joke, or even a joke at all and maybe the FYMD HR department sent a memo around about making jokes and their consequences.

We kid…FYMD has no HR department, we’ve done the analysis and there’s actually no upside to anything HR has to say. Really.

Anywho…Scale. scale. scale. Did we mention scale? Those are the stakes, creating enough scale through deeper engagement which is increased by….offering shit for really cheap.

The oldest trick in the book is what drives today’s tech economy - no really. But you  ask, “what about algorithms and AI and puffy vest wearing tech bros?”  Well, at the end of the day there has to be a financial transaction, and the best way to get people to switch how they normally do that is to offer them a deal..ergo, becoming ‘super’ requires lots of free White Claw.

The smart minds at McKinsey & Co, says the global delivery business is around $150Bn in 2021 and in mature markets growth is 4-7x 2018 numbers - which means either people are embarrassed buying White Claw at Tesco or it just tastes that much sweeter if you don’t have to get off the couch. Either way there is a fuckton of delivery action happening…but it’s not all sunshine and lollipops.

Competitive Insight:

Our friends from McKinsey also sum up the category nicely, “The pressure is on for the platforms. Despite explosive growth, they are struggling to make a profit. And, as the Wall Street Journal has reported, these companies aren’t expected to become profitable for a number of years.” Right.

So what does this mean…the FYMD commerce team had a few thoughts: 

1: Individual platform innovation in customer acquisition will just be copied across the category, meaning the proposition becomes the same for all the players. 

2: Does exclusive content (restaurants/shops) deliver any loyalty engagement on the platform. 

3: Whoever cracks the serious logistics issues that brings costs down fukin’ wins. 

So does it matter who you get your delivery from…eh, not really. Will you change who you get your delivery from if one platform is always cheaper and faster…fuck yeah…cough, Amazon Prime, cough…

There can be only one, MacLeod!

Creative Appreciation:

So, let’s get to this spot…It’s Gwyneth being Gwyneth…she’s relatable…she’s of the people…she’s makes the GDP of Martinique selling vagina eggs.

In general, acting like an idiot, more often than not, isn’t really acting. And we know from actually being an idiot and trying not to act like one. And making a joke about eating a paper towel or asking if that’s how cleanses works isn’t much different than say…injecting bleach.

The FYMD Creative Excellence team took a really long time here, we tried sock puppet reenactments, survey monkeys, and blindfolded intern beer pong, but each time we came to the same insight: vagina eggs. 

Net-net all we want to know was if Gwyneth’s salary was commissionable or not, because if it was, then…you know, it’s a pretty good ad.

But, if we had to blame anyone, it’s probably the planner’s fault.

What The FYMD Staff Has To Say:

The business of delivery is a tough one and just because Amazon spent billions of dollars creating the infrastructure to get your Iron Man 3 collectible DVD set with anatomically correct action figure to your door in a day or less doesn’t mean that you can expect that level of service for your takeaway curry. 

None of these companies are making any money, they are charging exorbitant rents to the mostly small businesses who rely on their platforms and it still involves some dude in a Honda Civic finding a spot, picking up food, driving in traffic, finding a spot and hopefully not getting lost on the way to your door. This is complicated logistical shit and the FYMD Future Business team is pretty certain that steps can’t be eliminated…unless we go full Fifth Element and Asian Noodle Dude parks his floating junk boat right outside your window for window ramen. Though dude still has to deal with traffic. 

Anywho, whatever agency network stooge that sold this underwhelming, comedy free, global idiocy campaign is probably humming “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled and high-fiving themselves all the way to the bank. 

Another One!

FYMD Music Awards: Best Use of Hyper-Melodic Malapropism

DampRid is a chemical wonder product that does exactly what it says on the label. And may your higher power of choice bless those people who named it, produce it and make your day a bit brighter by having Martha Wash sing about it. 

Also, let’s just say that the team working at the FYMD Kuala Lumpur Shophouse automatically directs 5% of take home pay to the folks at DampRid because no one is allowed at the office smelling like damp anything.

Anywho, FYMD would like to give this award for Hyper-Melodic Malapropism to the marketing department at DampRid. They weren’t swayed by high concept ads with shoots in the Amazon rain forest and the Sahara desert, and they said no to hiring Kelly Clarkson to show how she uses DampRid (you’ll never guess…and we’ll never tell) and they gave the finger to that English planner and their strategic approach to moisture removal and puppets.

And that’s why you win awards. By saying no to shit that sucks and using a song that everyone knows, that is a perfect fucking Hyper-Melodic Malaprorism for your product. 

Take a note Morrissey….”because, every day is like SUBWAY…”

*per Wikipedia, a malapropism is the mistaken use of an incorrect word in place of a word with a similar sound, resulting in a nonsensical, sometimes humorous utterance…or rhymes with a product that is being marketed and is kinda boring, needing an injection of humor to create impact (last part added by FYMD).

Breaking: Man confuses wife with car, hilarity ensues.

Apparently, millions of cars are made in America every year including a shitload of Buicks, around 180K of them in 2021, which gives Buick around 1.2% market share. A team of marketing consultants will probably need 100-150 billable hours to conclude that kinda sucks.

So the folks at Buick have (literally) decided to put the YOU in Utility and focus on a product feature that makes everyones life so much more hands free - Amazon’s Alexa - eschewing years and years of automotive marketing learnings (Win on Sunday, Sell on Monday) to focus on being the vehicle of family ease.

But you’re saying, FYMD loves a good product benefit ad - and cars have tons of benefits..sculpted metal, V-8, 500HP, racing suspension, etc…these are the types of intrinsic benefits that create lust, desire and footfall…at Porsche Dealers all over the world…

Anywho, FYMD is a kid free zone, no literally, there is no bring your kid to work day, or take my kid to the doctor day, or my kid has gymnastics day - there’s just work. This is the All-Star Team. 

So, given that we have no visibility on what kids do when they are being driven to school by the nanny, FYMD believes the only acceptable conclusion is that the Buick Alexa is for people who have given up. Or have bad nannies. Or don’t have iPhones.

Either way, nothing on this ad tracks.

Buick, call us…or have Alexa do it…soon.

** The FYMD Detroit office was opened to help ‘America’s Carmakers’ with their marketing communications and it’s pretty clear our new business team is drunk AF and not doing their jobs because our client list includes ZERO American auto brands. Whatever.

Breaking: GenZer's require feelings acknowledged while eating ice cream

FYMD loves Haagen Dazs. That shit is so good it’s almost worth the S$27 a pint it currently costs at the Mediya in Robertson Quay. But that’s just our inside boomer voice. Anywho, the powers that be at Nestle or General Mills (depending on where you live) must have decided that Millennials and Gen Zer’s just aren’t eating enough ice cream and that there is a marketing opportunity to increase volume with a new target audience. So they put a brief into their agency to create this fine piece of marketing communications.

FYMD feels confident in concluding that the only thing that this ad gets right is that they are eating directly from the container while sitting on a couch. 

Did we see anyone actually eat the ice cream? Or stop smiling? Or even pretend they are conversing? And what’s with the rollerblader in the group product shot?

Is luxury really where you are? Or is it where these beautiful multicultural pixies with incredible funky clothes and accessories are chillin’ on what is the nicest street couch ever?

This ad is just weird...but That’s Dazs we guess. 

The FYMD team felt bad for the planner that had to strategically connect ice cream, Gen Zer’s and luxury so we came up with some new lockups that might crack this wide open.

I’m Goin' Haagen Tonight!

Haagen This!

It’s a whole pint kinda night!

Made from the Best Stuff on Earth

Introducing FYMD++

If anything, the FYMD network is a nimble, horizontal, and tanned AF organization that can respond to our clients needs and desires at a moments notice (cough, outrageous fees) - so when we hear that sometimes our analysis is just too in depth for this 140 character, dunk on you, cryptoscam world, we say ‘how high’ and create a new product - 'fun sized' content for the unwashed masses.

FYMD would like to present FYMD++

You get our full fat analysis without all the superfluous thought leadership, insight, facts, research or actionable outputs. We are currently working through monetization models, so enjoy this lesser version of our free content…for free.

We Heart You Progressive Insurance (for reals)

The semi-yearly FYMD business development meetings with the executive committee always seem to take place at our FYMD Hualalai, Hawaii Island offices - apparently they get more done in a “trade winds” environment. The net-net of the April 2022 meeting seems to be that our outrageous consulting fees could be increased and our literally gross margin could go even higher. Also, apparently they are installing a new suite of executive washrooms and each Toto Neorest Washlet is about $10K. Whatever.

Now that we’re on the hook for the ne plus ultra of commodes, we better have a bulletproof strategy to take this shakedown, er price hike, er increase in service, to our wonderful client list. And there is no better way to swallow that pill than by buttering up one of our best clients in a really interesting category - and a couple times a year we also downsize the snark and upside the props. Warm and fuzzies for everyone!

Anywho, we love Progressive Insurance - and we’re pretty sure (wink, wink) that it was Progressive and not another insurance giant with an animated cockney lizard that came up with one of the greatest unlocks in all of marketing history: Insurance is funny. 

Back in the day, insurance marketing consisted of a Rock, a Neighbor, a Big Deer and Good Hands - But not anymore my friend…that ship has sailed, right Jake?

So, the marketers at Progressive have developed a suite of ads across multiple different genres, that are culturally relevant, activated within different communications platforms and airing literally nonstop - in our unbiased opinion, all of this is incredibly smart (minus Baker Mayfield)… we love Progressive, you’re the bestest clients!

The Insurance Juggernaut:

Everybody needs insurance - so the target audience is pretty much everyone - and as most people need more than one type of insurance, there are multiple opportunities to get your current customers to increase their basket size (bundles!). According to IbisWorld and the internet, just the car insurance market in the US is over $315Bn annually - If you include all the other insurance products it’s freakin’ trillions - so you can see how they afford all those commercials.

Table Stakes:

Acquisition and Activation - that’s all that’s happening here. Acquisition speaks for itself, but for the insurance industry the activation part is really about churn - each customer is so valuable that so much of the marketing is about keeping them paying and making them feel ok that you keep raising our rates, we mean their rates. And since premiums are up for renewal every single day of the year, reducing churn means being top of mind at all times and that equals frequency, lots of it.

Competitive Insight:

The category as a whole has been transformed by the “Progressive: Insurance Is FunnyTM” unlock - Flo spawned the Gecko who begat the Emu and so on and so for, so sayeth the FYMD client appreciation team. Then there are all of the agent based companies with Jake and Peyton and some other quarterback and a point guard and a country singer…but really there’s only one Jamie - and that’s what cements Progressive’s place in the FYMD Marketing Hall of Fame*

*The Hall of Fame will be invoiced as a separate line item under “consulting fees”, please let us know if Stacy the FYMD finance intern needs to speak with procurement for a code, or special handshake for billing purposes. 

Creative Appreciation:

Whew…all that just to talk about one ad! The FYMD SEO team is probably Slacking each other high fives right now.

Satire is hard, and using VO to explain what you’re selling against a set of visuals that have a very thin link with what you’re selling is really hard. See there’s this resort called Sandals…

And then Jamie is playing steel drums in the living room…

Game show…

Kumite…

Muy Thai…

And everything is right with the world - even Jason the intern, has a Jamie bobble head on his standing desk. 

Normally, the FYMD creative excellence team would have some “feedback” about the above ground pool, but apparently word has come down that Progressive has decided to sponsor the expansion of the executive washrooms in the Hualalai offices, into executive washrooms and spa. So we love the above ground pool, it’s so modular and easy to remove when you want to put in a pickle ball court.

What The FYMD Staff Has To Say:

The FYMD Creative Excellence team returned from their offsite in Todo Santos, Baja, Mexico and have sobered up just enough to discuss the newest inductee in the FYMD HoF - Progressive Insurance.

They have come up with a few mostly coherent thoughts to mark the occasion: 

1: C.R.E.A.M - The only way this ad is even possible is years of consistent messaging and long term experimentation. Progressive has spent years creating a signature style, making these characters and simple messages part of the culture - mostly because they’ve got the cash to do so…and pay us! dolla dolla bill ya’ll.

2: G.O.A.T. - Client leadership clearly trusts their teams because making this ad takes marketing balls, something nearly extinct in the marketing community (unrelated - big ups Rakim!)

3. L.$.D. - There is a lot of creativity at work here and someone deserves some props - FYMD will wager their outrageous consulting fee that the agency submitted this for some awards A$AP.

Jamie, call us, let’s do lunch on you.

Neuriva should fire their marketing department

People fucking love supplements. They looooooorve them. If there’s no medical evidence of efficacy, hasn’t been regulated by a government entity, comes with outrageous claims and costs a fuck ton, people be like, I want that…

And things are no different here at the Cartagena, Colombia offices of FYMD, we can’t get enough of supplements. Jason, our “intern”, his #1 job is to make sure there are always bags of supplements around. Needless to say Jason facilitates most (all) of the work happening in the FYMD network. Supplements.

Anywho…our friends at Reckitt, owners of such brands as, Mucinex (future investigation at FYMD pending) have hired actress/gameshow hostess/actual neuroscientist Mayim Bialik to lend some credentialing (and sassiness) to Neuriva, a “brain supplement backed by real science” that it’s selling to you and me, mostly you.

We love funky hires and think Mayim was truly excellent in Beaches as a young Bette Middler, and we also appreciate people with big brains mostly because we weren’t blessed with one and have to rely on Jason the intern to earn those big time consulting fees.

The Supplement Business:

Our BFFs at Grand View Research claim that the global dietary supplements market is valued at over $150 billion in 2021 and will achieve a 9% CAGR through 2030 - We had to confirm this with our cousin who knows math, but the FYMD leadership team is like 95% sure that this means there is a whole lotta ‘man-boosting’ going on.

Drilling down a bit the GVR crew says that Brain Supplement subset is valued at over $7Bn in 2021 - this means a lot of people either want to improve their brain or feel their brain needs improving. The technical term for these people is “low hanging fruit.” 

The marketing term for these brain supplements is Nootropics. This is actually true. Either way, people love supplements.

Table Stakes:

Science is fickle mistress. OK, that’s entirely a lie, let’s reframe that: Using science in marketing is a fickle mistress. And the supplement industry as a whole is filled with marketers who feel they can tame the shrew- looking at you planners! 

Anywho, “science” is the crutch that keeps the whole industry upright. So finding the right science and the right “scientist” to tout your boner pills is key. In the case of boner pills it’s usually athletes since most scientists don’t get laid. Ironic. 

FYMD’s legal counsel felt it was important for everyone to know that the US government in the DSHEA act of 1994 defined much of what is a supplement and what can go into them. This can be found here (https://www.fda.gov/food/information-consumers-using-dietary-supplements/questions-and-answers-dietary-supplements). Normally we never provide links as we don’t like being proved wrong but the FYMD SEO team sent around a memo on backlinks, apparently that’s a thing. 

Competitive Insight:

With such a big pot-o-cash that seemingly is just there for the taking, the proverbial sharks are circling. To say the FYMD team has opened a can of worms with the Brain Supplement category is a like saying something witty, but we forgot to take our pill today.

We also tried rallying the FYMD graphics team to put together a clever chart where you can pick and choose prefixes and suffixes to create your own Nootropic brand name but they were busy with Jason doing supplements.

So here are some of our favorites: Cram, Noopept, Thriiv and what is potentially the high water mark in branding, Cannibal Genius. Lastly if none of those names aren’t getting your credit card finger itchy, you can always buy Smart Pills which given the target audience might be the baller branding move.

Creative Appreciation:

Ok…that’s a lot of information, some of it even useful…”Can you get to the snarky recap of the creative already?”…Is what the FYMD analytics team is constantly saying - apparently “FYMD Creative Appreciation” is an actual search term so that our half dozen subscription members don’t have to read the crap above - take that FYMD research team!

So let’s address this copywriting masterclass:

This is Mayim and she loves brains 

This is why she became a neuroscientist

Mayim also has a brain

Mayim loves Neuriva+ for both those reasons

The FYMD rules and ethics committee feels this is an appropriate place to pause as we are making an official ruling: Having a brain is not an acceptable reason. Ever. For anything. Any copywriter who tries to use this reason clearly needs more supplements.

And you, producer type…are we supposed to believe that the lobby of some glass encased tech bro shine is a lab? And why are all the liquids in the beakers clearly FreshBurst and CoolMint Listerine - and why leave out original flavor?

Even so, with many many issues, that Mayim is sassy. And Smart. And that blazer combo is kickin’…Figuratively speaking. 

However, this agency exercise in irony has the unintended effect of saying, “I’m not an actor but I play one on TV.”

Think Bigger, indeed.

What The FYMD Staff Has To Say:

It not all sun and fun here at the Cartagena FYMD offices, we’re busy pouring through data, sifting through research and lining up the supplements to create the breakthrough, insight driven work that keeps clients paying our outrageous consulting fees.

And late the other night the team literally bumped into a breakthrough moment where we sniffed out 1 key that the Reckitt bigwigs might want to consider when it comes to sellin’ brain pills: Credentialing and Credibility are difficult concepts to convey when the product has no credentials or credibility.

Maybe you should have hired a Neuroscientist who’s also an actor instead of the other way around because if your customers actually did "Think Bigger” they might speak with their doctor about the efficacy of Nootropics and not buy your product. 

Fucking irony…the FYMD leadership team has launched a blue ribbon panel on avoiding irony, but apparently only account planners were invited to participate. See what we did there.

In sum, the Harvard Medical School says, “it’s easier to take a pill than make lasting lifestyle changes”

And who ever said FYMD didn’t provide valuable consumer advice.